Hippies, Fucking Hippies

If there’s one type of person I can’t fucking stand, it’s goddamned hippies. Hippies are without a doubt some of the most retarded people alive. Who do I consider a hippie? Well, man, like, totally. Here’s some ways to identify them.

– No understanding of science
– Reeks of weed and thinks smoking weed will make them enlightened
– Always blathering about spirituality and enlightenment

So yeah man, like, the universe, is like, so totally rad man. Like. My spirits and energy and shit man. Oh man, this ganja man. Man. Man. Hold me man.

I mean I recycle and stuff, conserve resources, but hippies take it way too far. You know what, we should gather all the hippies and turn them into mulch and compost for yards. Problem fuckin’ solved. Something we can all believe in.

McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies. An Artificial Haze

So I saw the commercials for McDonald’s fruit smoothies. They look pretty good. I bought a wild berry one. It tasted like I was drinking a fucking Starburst. It was so sweet and so sour and so blatantly artificial.

Fucking McDonald’s. Only they could fuck up a smoothie.

Jesus Hates PayPal

Don’t want to read my rant? Skip to the bottom then.

I receive a payment, and right off the bat, PayPal shows an alert saying they need to verify it due to potential suspicious activity. Soon after, the payment goes through to me. Logic states that if it went through, then it’s been verified, right? Nope! Not in the retarded world of PayPal. The payment is soon reversed after I’ve received it, minus about $9 in reversal fees. I had $0 in my account, so then PayPal automatically reverses a $500+ transfer to my bank account just so it can cover a -$9 account balance due to the payment they authorized and then reversed. (Funny aside, if your account balance is exactly -$0.01 and no more for the first time, PayPal will automatically email you saying how they’ve “generously” covered the balance and that they appreciate your business. Scumbagging 101).
What bull**bleep**.

/rant

Abstract

PayPal intentionally allows payments they flag as fraudulent to go through and get reversed at the recipient’s expense so that they can profit from reversal fees. Crap like this is why I tend to steer people away from PayPal whenever possible.

Basically, imagine you’re walking down the street, and you get raped by a gay man. Just when you think the worst is over, someone from across the street shouts, “Oh fuck man! You just got raped by Pozzy Patrick! He’s well known ’round these parts and he’s got the HIV bro!”

AWWWWW SHIIIIIT.

What The Fuck Is Up With Artificial Grass?

Seriously? What the fuck is up with this garbage? Why is it manufactured? Why do people purchase it?

Typically I see artificial grass used near sidewalks of construction zones. Supposedly, the crap “beautifies” a construction zone. Or something like that.

Yes, apparently a mat of some blueish green tinted plastic crap that doesn’t look remotely like grass coating a sliver of the ground makes a construction zone more appealing. It looks like a mat of greenish blue hair clogging a drain, not grass.

The person who conceived of this garbage is probably swimming in gold and laughing all the way to the bank.

Artificial grass looks like shit. And after it’s done looking like shit, it’s going to be taking up space in a landfill somewhere. All because, good fucking lord, someone decided that it was simply unbearable to look at a patch of dirt for a month because of construction.

Soldiers Are Whores

Seriously. They are. Think about it.

Ladies of the night get paid for sex. They are called whores or prostitutes. Men of the day get paid to kill people. They are called soldiers or troops. I’m not sure which is more embarrassing and all around revolting.

In much the same way it makes no sense that prostitution can be illegal while making a porno is legal (getting paid to have sex? You’re going to jail. Getting paid to have sex and make a movie? A OK), it makes no sense that individuals who take pay to kill someone (contract killing) is illegal, but when performed on a mass scale, it is completely, A OK LEGAL! How the fuck does this make sense? How is it that in this modern day and age we resort to such barbarous techniques? Physical combat and fighting is what wild dogs or chimpanzees do. Not people.

Pay one guy to take someone else out? That’s an illegal contract killing. You’re both going to jail. Pay tens of thousands of people to bomb, shoot up and invade another country? Totally legal. Just make up some shitty excuse like spreading democracy or searching for weapons of mass destruction.

Using this same logic, I could totally break into a neighbor’s house because I THINK he has weapons that could be used against me. But that’s totally illegal, and I would go to jail.

Soldiers really are dumb whores. Seriously. The most unbelievable part is that many of them are CHRISTIANS! There’s those pesky Christians again. I’m pretty damn sure it talks about not killing people in the Bible. So how can you be a soldier and a Christian? Sense? There is none.

White Folk. They Are Fucking Crazy

It seems that in general, white folks are just fucking batshit insane compared to Asians and Native Americans and blacks. You always have that white person that decided to go there. Yes, there. The place that makes every sane person go, what the hell is wrong with this person?

For example, no black, Asian, purple or brown person is batshit insane enough to pimp their child in a child pageant. But a white woman went there! The diversity of the talk show hosts perfectly illustrates how surreal this all is to the members of other races.

Fuck. We have a five year old girl convulsing on stage talking about shaking her bootie. Only a white person would go there.

0:26 Asian lady’s face says, what the fuck.

0:39 White lady’s face says, I am not impressed. This is Sharon Osbourne too, wife of bat head biting Ozzy Osbourne.

0:42 Black lady’s face says, I don’t want to look like I’m having a bad time, but what the fuck is going on.

0:42 Mother of cutie patootie dances and lives vicariously through her daughter.

0:47 White lady says YEAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH……………………….. NO

Black Folk. They Are Really Loud

Now, before you scream racism, don’t worry. I have rant articles for ALL the races. Blacks, whites, Asians and even Oceanian, that race few have ever seen, because they only exist in the country of Oceania.

So now seriously. Black people. They are loud. Like really loud. There’s whispering. There’s talking. There’s shouting. There’s lawnmowers. And then there’s black people. Damn.

The worst part is that frequently it’s about something stereotypically black and/or associated with the lower class. Oh, that’s not the worst part. The worst part is that it’s frequently structured in the black vernacular English (Ebonics). “OOOOHHHHH SHE NASTY!” instead of, “Wow that’s gross,” or something like that. I’m certain blacks don’t like to be stereotyped as retarded, so not speaking in Ebonics would be a good start. Then what follows is an incredibly loud (but joyous) laugh. Glass shattering. Earplug necessitating. Laugh.

This one was pretty short. I’m not racist. Or am I? No, I’m not. Because this only pertains to uneducated black folk. I left out uneducated in the title just to make it sound more exciting and edgy.

BLACK PEOPLE. TALK MORE SOFTLY. Thank you.

Why Are Christians So Obnoxious

What is it about members of Abrahamic religions that makes them so obnoxious? The worst offender is Christians. Many (not all) Christians seem to walk about daily with a holier than thou attitude than is the most irritating shit ever. Here are a few of the things Christians have done.

Seriously. I had a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses come to my door at about 9:00 AM in the morning on New Year’s Day to hand me some pamphlets and pitch me on God. Seriously. They were literally like door to door salesmen selling God. Whatever it is. I have two lovely pamphlets from that day. I’ve never read them, but the cover art sure is pretty. Unless God flies down from the heavens to greet me, I won’t be believing in him any time soon.

Oh and please. Don’t give me shit about how, “Oh, they’re not real Christians, HURRDURR, so you’re wrong.” Bullshit. These people know Jehovah’s Witnesses are real Christians and clearly disagree or have issues with what they do, but don’t want to admit that they’re wrong, so they pull bullshit out of their asses and deny that they’re Christians.

Another time I was at this party. So there I was, a pouring the last bit of Sprite into my cup. It went up to about a full cup. As I was pouring this, a man walked up to me and asked, “Why are you pouring all that? You should share.” This was so out of the blue I didn’t even know how to respond. I managed a, “Oh, well sorry,” and walked away. First, I didn’t really know how much was left, and how far it would fill the cup. Second, someone’s gotta finish it off. Apparently in Christianland, nobody can actually finish a food or drink because that would be greedy. People just take half and half and half until only molecules are left. Only afterwards did my friend let me know that it was actually a church party of sorts. That’s when it all made sense.

And what is the point of attending church? Apparently you go to church to learn how to be more like God, but isn’t it always pretty much the same fucking thing? Golden Rule, help the poor, be moral, etc. Do you really need to spend over a fucking hour every week? If so, you are too dumb to be alive. Seriously. Half the time the Christians don’t even seem that much more moral either. In the end, I think church is nothing more at this point than a weekly gathering of sorts, a jerkfest cult. It’s just a way for people to feel good about themselves. There’s clearly some sort of mental bias here.

Oh, and when a 1,000+ people die in an earthquake, it was clearly God’s will. When one baby is pulled out alive, it was clearly a miracle by God. There are so many things in the Bible that make no sense. It’s like one giant convoluted mindfuck. Almost like that movie Inception.

I have never had members of any other religion pull annoying stunts like what I have mentioned in this post. So all you Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, etc. I salute you. You are wise. You are aware that everyone in the world is full of shit, and it is best kept to yourself, because nobody wants to hear it. And to you Christians, shut up or fuck off. Thank you.

Most Truck Drivers Are Raging Lunatics

What is it about truck drivers that makes them complete assholes? Is it the extra foot of ground clearance that makes them feel powerful as they gaze upon others in sedans? Is it the worse fuel economy and subsequently lighter wallet that makes them rage? Or maybe it’s the lack of self control that accompanies lower intelligence. Who knows. Here are two tales of raging truck drivers.

There I was just a sittin’ in my car at an intersection, looking at the green left turn yield light. Now on the other side of the road are other trucks and vans waiting to turn left that block my view. I don’t know if there are any cars coming my way. So I inch forward a little to see if I can check for cars before I turn. As I’m inching forward, the driver of the monstrous black Dodge 2500 behind me starts honking nonstop for me to go.

Since I drive a sedan, my line of sight isn’t great. To make things worse, the parallel approaching road was uphill, so there was no real way to see if any cars were coming. I’m waiting to turn, and the whole time this guy is honking nonstop.

I heave an exasperated sigh, and after I make an extra slow turn when the time comes, the guy guns his engine the moment he’s behind me, makes a crazy lane change to pass, gives me a crazed look and speeds away.

Another fun day in urban sprawl suburbia.

The other time I’m making another left turn into a shopping plaza from one of those divider sections in the middle, when once again, a guy in a black truck (A Dodge again?) comes up behind me. Since it was around 5:30, cars filled with stressed out little robots returning home from Cubicle Land were zooming by at a breathtaking speed. There’s a small gap in traffic, but with my pitiful V4, it’s unlikely I have sufficient acceleration to make it past. At this moment, the madman behind me begins to pound his horn like a gorilla. “Fuck!” I exclaimed. Ever since incident #1 listed above, I have hated truck drivers. At this point I flipped the bird through the middle and decided to take my sweet old time.

The hambeast had stopped honking. “That must have shut his lard ass up, I naively thought.” Little did I know that the parking lot would soon turn into Fast and Furious meets Mortal Kombat.

I turn into the parking lot, and this truck driver starts honking madly. He pulls up beside me and he is beet red. Through the window, I see his portly head screaming and his arms waving. He gets out of car looking like he was about to have a heart attack (I wish he did to save the world some trouble). Now I could see what he was mouthing, “DO YOU WANNA GO DO YOU WANNA GO?” At this point I was slightly fearing for my safety, but also a bit amused.

It’s no secret that most truck drivers hardly ever use the bed (I salute those that do more than once a week). Those who buy a such an ugly vehicle with terrible gas mileage and rarely use it for its intended purpose are generally retarded. Retarded people have a tendency to be right wing, unfortunately, and right wing people tend to buy guns. Lots of them. There’s nothing wrong with gun ownership, unless the guns are in the hands of retards, like the aforementioned individual. So knowing all of this, I hit the gas to put distance between me and the frothing baboon. Luckily he does not tail me. Peace returns.

Are you a truck driver? Do you never use the bed? Are you right wing? Well you’re probably retarded.

Amazon Buyers Are The Scum of the Earth

Alright, so there I was, with an unused electronic device. I need to sell it because I didn’t need the damn thing. So I was like, oh shit, I’ll sell it on Amazon. It’ll be simple.

Little did I know I would be in for an ass raping nightmare. So some bitch ordered this product. We’ll call her Dickhead to protect her identity.

Now this camera I sold was devoid of damage. No scratches or anything. It was basically like new. I packed it well in its original box when I sold it. Imagine my surprise when the moment Dickhead received her package, she said that there was a scratch on the rear screen and she wanted a refund or replacement.

Well Dickhead, it sounds like you planned this out from the start, huh? Because I had no replacement and was a new seller, she must have been angling for a partial refund from the start. I offered her $10 right off no questions asked. She responded in what I imagine was a hambeast demeanor, “OHHOHOH $10? You need to offer at least $70.” At this point I knew she was a dickhead, and rescinded my generous partial refund offer and told her to fuck off. She cried in the reviews how I had never offered her even a partial refund. My face when I don’t even give a damn.

Now this wasn’t the only retard I encountered. Just like the real Amazon Rainforest, you never know what kind of shit or flotsam you’ll find. So this other time I was selling another electronic device which had a memory card slot. Imagine my surprise when some dude in Afghanistan orders it. I almost thought it was a joke, but it wasn’t. So basically I mailed the damn thing off (hooray for $10.50 USPS Afghanistan shipping). Some days later I get a disjointed email in all CAPS, “WHAT IS THIS I WAN AT A REFUND NOW THE CARD SLOT DO NOT WORK!!!!!1111ONEONEIAMRETARDEED!!11111!!1 YOU RIPPED ME OFF HOW DO I MAIL THIS BACKA.”

Once again, I smelled the scent of retard from an ocean away. It was especially easy this time because as well all know, people in the military tend to have less higher education, and people with less education are less intelligent in general.

So I knew fairly well the card slot was working because I had tested it prior to mailing, so I calmly walk him through how to insert the card into the card slot. An email later he rages that he has used card slots before, and this one does not work. So I tell him to flip the card around or push harder down to engage the locking mechanism. An email later he informs me in what I imagine was a sheepish mood, that he had figured it out.

Guess that’s why you’re in Afghanistan, buddy! I hate to say it, but let nature take its course. If you’re retarded enough to join the U.S. Army to invade foreign countries with no justification, I guess it makes sense that you can’t work out how to use a memory card slot.

The world is in dire need of eugenics programs to breed this dishonest and stupid filth out of the gene pool. We already have the military. All we need now are liberal eugenics programs.