Hippies, Fucking Hippies

If there’s one type of person I can’t fucking stand, it’s goddamned hippies. Hippies are without a doubt some of the most retarded people alive. Who do I consider a hippie? Well, man, like, totally. Here’s some ways to identify them.

– No understanding of science
– Reeks of weed and thinks smoking weed will make them enlightened
– Always blathering about spirituality and enlightenment

So yeah man, like, the universe, is like, so totally rad man. Like. My spirits and energy and shit man. Oh man, this ganja man. Man. Man. Hold me man.

I mean I recycle and stuff, conserve resources, but hippies take it way too far. You know what, we should gather all the hippies and turn them into mulch and compost for yards. Problem fuckin’ solved. Something we can all believe in.

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McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies. An Artificial Haze

So I saw the commercials for McDonald’s fruit smoothies. They look pretty good. I bought a wild berry one. It tasted like I was drinking a fucking Starburst. It was so sweet and so sour and so blatantly artificial.

Fucking McDonald’s. Only they could fuck up a smoothie.

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Jesus Hates PayPal

Don’t want to read my rant? Skip to the bottom then.

I receive a payment, and right off the bat, PayPal shows an alert saying they need to verify it due to potential suspicious activity. Soon after, the payment goes through to me. Logic states that if it went through, then it’s been verified, right? Nope! Not in the retarded world of PayPal. The payment is soon reversed after I’ve received it, minus about $9 in reversal fees. I had $0 in my account, so then PayPal automatically reverses a $500+ transfer to my bank account just so it can cover a -$9 account balance due to the payment they authorized and then reversed. (Funny aside, if your account balance is exactly -$0.01 and no more for the first time, PayPal will automatically email you saying how they’ve “generously” covered the balance and that they appreciate your business. Scumbagging 101).
What bull**bleep**.



PayPal intentionally allows payments they flag as fraudulent to go through and get reversed at the recipient’s expense so that they can profit from reversal fees. Crap like this is why I tend to steer people away from PayPal whenever possible.

Basically, imagine you’re walking down the street, and you get raped by a gay man. Just when you think the worst is over, someone from across the street shouts, “Oh fuck man! You just got raped by Pozzy Patrick! He’s well known ’round these parts and he’s got the HIV bro!”


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What The Fuck Is Up With Artificial Grass?

Seriously? What the fuck is up with this garbage? Why is it manufactured? Why do people purchase it?

Typically I see artificial grass used near sidewalks of construction zones. Supposedly, the crap “beautifies” a construction zone. Or something like that.

Yes, apparently a mat of some blueish green tinted plastic crap that doesn’t look remotely like grass coating a sliver of the ground makes a construction zone more appealing. It looks like a mat of greenish blue hair clogging a drain, not grass.

The person who conceived of this garbage is probably swimming in gold and laughing all the way to the bank.

Artificial grass looks like shit. And after it’s done looking like shit, it’s going to be taking up space in a landfill somewhere. All because, good fucking lord, someone decided that it was simply unbearable to look at a patch of dirt for a month because of construction.

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Soldiers Are Whores

Seriously. They are. Think about it.

Ladies of the night get paid for sex. They are called whores or prostitutes. Men of the day get paid to kill people. They are called soldiers or troops. I’m not sure which is more embarrassing and all around revolting.

In much the same way it makes no sense that prostitution can be illegal while making a porno is legal (getting paid to have sex? You’re going to jail. Getting paid to have sex and make a movie? A OK), it makes no sense that individuals who take pay to kill someone (contract killing) is illegal, but when performed on a mass scale, it is completely, A OK LEGAL! How the fuck does this make sense? How is it that in this modern day and age we resort to such barbarous techniques? Physical combat and fighting is what wild dogs or chimpanzees do. Not people.

Pay one guy to take someone else out? That’s an illegal contract killing. You’re both going to jail. Pay tens of thousands of people to bomb, shoot up and invade another country? Totally legal. Just make up some shitty excuse like spreading democracy or searching for weapons of mass destruction.

Using this same logic, I could totally break into a neighbor’s house because I THINK he has weapons that could be used against me. But that’s totally illegal, and I would go to jail.

Soldiers really are dumb whores. Seriously. The most unbelievable part is that many of them are CHRISTIANS! There’s those pesky Christians again. I’m pretty damn sure it talks about not killing people in the Bible. So how can you be a soldier and a Christian? Sense? There is none.

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White Folk. They Are Fucking Crazy

It seems that in general, white folks are just fucking batshit insane compared to Asians and Native Americans and blacks. You always have that white person that decided to go there. Yes, there. The place that makes every sane person go, what the hell is wrong with this person?

For example, no black, Asian, purple or brown person is batshit insane enough to pimp their child in a child pageant. But a white woman went there! The diversity of the talk show hosts perfectly illustrates how surreal this all is to the members of other races.

Fuck. We have a five year old girl convulsing on stage talking about shaking her bootie. Only a white person would go there.

0:26 Asian lady’s face says, what the fuck.

0:39 White lady’s face says, I am not impressed. This is Sharon Osbourne too, wife of bat head biting Ozzy Osbourne.

0:42 Black lady’s face says, I don’t want to look like I’m having a bad time, but what the fuck is going on.

0:42 Mother of cutie patootie dances and lives vicariously through her daughter.

0:47 White lady says YEAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH……………………….. NO

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Black Folk. They Are Really Loud

Now, before you scream racism, don’t worry. I have rant articles for ALL the races. Blacks, whites, Asians and even Oceanian, that race few have ever seen, because they only exist in the country of Oceania.

So now seriously. Black people. They are loud. Like really loud. There’s whispering. There’s talking. There’s shouting. There’s lawnmowers. And then there’s black people. Damn.

The worst part is that frequently it’s about something stereotypically black and/or associated with the lower class. Oh, that’s not the worst part. The worst part is that it’s frequently structured in the black vernacular English (Ebonics). “OOOOHHHHH SHE NASTY!” instead of, “Wow that’s gross,” or something like that. I’m certain blacks don’t like to be stereotyped as retarded, so not speaking in Ebonics would be a good start. Then what follows is an incredibly loud (but joyous) laugh. Glass shattering. Earplug necessitating. Laugh.

This one was pretty short. I’m not racist. Or am I? No, I’m not. Because this only pertains to uneducated black folk. I left out uneducated in the title just to make it sound more exciting and edgy.


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